10 years on and still not equal

The same year that the Marriage Referendum succeeded in Ireland, the Children and Family Relationships Act was also passed. It appeared that LGBTQ+ families were finally on the path to true equality, but as Ranae von Meding notes, this was not the case.

Family — Law — Equality

As I reflect on the last 10 years of my life, from getting married to starting a family and becoming a community activist, I cannot quite believe that I am writing this article. We are now a decade on from Marriage Equality, and the fact that LGBTQ+ families are still being left behind, still being treated as an afterthought and inconvenience, is utterly appalling and mindblowing in equal measure.

There is sometimes some confusion over the status of LGBTQ+ families in Ireland, so I’m going to try to clear it up, once and for all.

Make no mistake, Irish LGBTQ+ families have always existed, but prior to the introduction of legislation five years ago, there was no mechanism by which these families could legally be recognised.

In 2015, around the time of the Marriage Referendum, a separate piece of legislation was going through the Oireachtas. It was called the Children and Family Relationships Act (CFRA) and one of the things it did was, for the first time, legislate and create a pathway for parents of donor-conceived children to both be recognised as legal parents. While this bill had originally encompassed other family setups, including those formed through surrogacy, at the last minute, many of these provisions were scrapped, as the legislators wanted to be sure that the bill passed prior to the Marriage Referendum. And so, in 2015, the CFRA was enacted.

Then the referendum happened, and most of Ireland, including myself, thought that things for LGBTQ+ families would simply follow suit. But that’s where everything stalled.

The CFRA was not only very narrow in its criteria, in other words, who would qualify, but it also sat there for many years without being commenced. It had passed but wasn’t actually in effect.

It would take five years and a lot of blood, sweat and tears from campaigners before the provisions in that 2015 act were actually commenced.

Finally, in May 2020, after multiple broken promises, delays, and stalling tactics by the government, the Children and Family Relationships Act came into effect. This meant that anyone who qualified for recognition under that act was able to go to court to get a declaration of parentage and then have a new birth certificate issued for their child with both parents declared on the form. It also meant that from May 2020, any same-sex couples who met the criteria would automatically be registered as their children’s parents from birth without the need to go to court. This is where it gets tricky. Bear with me! The law before May 2020 was a little wider in its criteria, meaning that more families could apply. Same-sex female couples who used a fertility clinic anywhere in the world with a donor, so long as their child was born in Ireland, were covered. Since May 2020, only same-sex female couples who use an Irish fertility clinic and whose child is born in Ireland are covered.

So, who is left out? In Ireland today, there are so many ways for folks in our community to grow their families. Aside from adoption, fostering or co-parenting, there are numerous avenues through which same-sex couples have children. And yet, the current legislation excludes a huge proportion of LGBTQ+ families, including those using fertility clinics internationally, those using non-clinical methods such as home insemination, and those using surrogacy.

There are also many LGBTQ+ families living abroad whose children have been born outside of Ireland, who are automatically excluded. A hierarchy of children who are deemed to be ‘worthy’ of legal protection has been created within an already marginalised community. And as a parent to a child who is at the bottom of the pile, I can tell you that my heart breaks every day for the discrimination that he is facing.

In 2019, after about three years of campaigning, I, along with other parents, set up the non-profit Equality for Children. Around the same time, Irish Gay Dads, a group supporting and representing same-sex male couples in Ireland, was formed.

Then, together with LGBT Ireland, we came together to create the LGBTQ+ Parenting Alliance, and we have been campaigning the government, in each of its iterations, over the last six years to bring forward a bill that will protect our families regardless of how they were formed.

I spoke to my friend and the Co-Chairperson of Irish Gay Dads, Seamus Kearney Martone, and this is what he had to say: “As we approach the 10th anniversary of the Marriage Equality referendum, it’s deeply disheartening that, despite repeated promises from successive governments, the majority of LGBTQ+ families still do not see their children treated equally under the law.

“In my own family, our daughter was adopted internationally from the US and has two legal parents. Our son, born through surrogacy in the US, is only legally recognised as the child of his biological father. This creates a heartbreaking reality where, within a single family unit, one child has full legal protection and the other does not. That is not equality. The truth is, real marriage equality has not yet been achieved, because the majority of LGBTQ+ families are still treated differently to traditional heteronormative families by the State. Irish Gay Dads will continue to advocate on behalf of our community until every family is treated with the equality, recognition, and respect we all deserve.”

The fact is that we have been asking for this for years, and we have been presenting workable and legally robust solutions for all of the complexities that the government says there are. At one point in 2023, along with the help of Ivana Bacik, Labour TD, we brought forward a Private Member’s Bill that would effectively fix all the mistakes and omissions that the CFRA made. This was shut down by the government, and the then Minister for Health, Stephen Donnelly, promised that their own provisions would be brought forward as a “matter of urgency”.

But you see, this is a phrase we have been hearing year after year after year, and at this point, we would be idiots if we believed it. We recently sat down with the current Minister for Health, Jennifer Carroll Mac Neill, after a lengthy campaign to get a meeting.

Disappointingly, there were no assurances that going forward there would be a pathway for all children to be granted the equality that so far has been denied.

No one is disputing that the area of surrogacy and donor conception is complex and requires extensive protections and safeguards. But that has all been done. Again and again and again. And what is really simple is the fact that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of children living in a legal limbo every day in Ireland and across the world, simply because the government has refused to bring forward the legislation. It is also incredibly concerning that the voices of those most affected by the lack of legislation have time and time again been left out of the discussions.

Speaking to legal expert Dr Claire O’Connell, she reiterated the need to consult with those who have lived experience when drafting any legislation.

“Having researched this area of law for over 10 years, my experience is that an academic or practitioner perspective is not enough to create workable and inclusive legislation. The voices of the families and individuals involved have to be included. It is not surprising that excluding LGBTQ+ families from the consultation process results in excluding LGBTQ+ families from the legislative frameworks. This is a mistake that should not be made again. If for no other reason than I think alliance members would prefer to enjoy time with their families, instead of grinding every day to be included. And when included previously, we have worked hard to offer solutions and offer up our expertise and experience in order to be useful to the process. That is all we want now.”

I truly believe that if every person who voted ‘Yes’ 10 years ago knew that we did not, in fact, achieve marriage equality, there would be public outrage. Make no mistake, my marriage is not the same as a straight marriage. The children born into my marriage have not been treated the same as children born into a straight marriage. In my family, our first two daughters benefit from the legislation prior to May 2020, and so they have two parents. However, our son, who was conceived after May 2020, does not benefit from the same privilege, and so, he only has one legal parent.

I can’t quite put into words how painful it is to know every single day that your children, your babies, are being othered and ostracised by the country that is supposed to have their best interests at heart.

Two very simple ways in which you can support equality for all children of LGBTQ+ families are by signing our petition and sending an email to Minister MacNeill. The link to do both of these things can be found on www.equalityforchildren.ie or in my bio on Instagram @ranaevonmeding. I truly hope that if you are reading this, you can see how utterly unfair the current situation is for LGBTQ+ families in Ireland. We must change it, we must do better.

No one is equal until we all are.

There are also many LGBTQ+ families living abroad whose children have been born outside of Ireland, who are automatically excluded. A hierarchy of children who are deemed to be ‘worthy’ of legal protection has been created within an already marginalised community. And as a parent to a child who is at the bottom of the pile, I can tell you that my heart breaks every day for the discrimination that he is facing.

In 2019, after about three years of campaigning, I, along with other parents, set up the non-profit Equality for Children. Around the same time, Irish Gay Dads, a group supporting and representing same-sex male couples in Ireland, was formed.

Then, together with LGBT Ireland, we came together to create the LGBTQ+ Parenting Alliance, and we have been campaigning the government, in each of its iterations, over the last six years to bring forward a bill that will protect our families regardless of how they were formed.

I spoke to my friend and the Co-Chairperson of Irish Gay Dads, Seamus Kearney Martone, and this is what he had to say: “As we approach the 10th anniversary of the Marriage Equality referendum, it’s deeply disheartening that, despite repeated promises from successive governments, the majority of LGBTQ+ families still do not see their children treated equally under the law.

“In my own family, our daughter was adopted internationally from the US and has two legal parents. Our son, born through surrogacy in the US, is only legally recognised as the child of his biological father. This creates a heartbreaking reality where, within a single family unit, one child has full legal protection and the other does not. That is not equality. The truth is, real marriage equality has not yet been achieved, because the majority of LGBTQ+ families are still treated differently to traditional heteronormative families by the State. Irish Gay Dads will continue to advocate on behalf of our community until every family is treated with the equality, recognition, and respect we all deserve.”

The fact is that we have been asking for this for years, and we have been presenting workable and legally robust solutions for all of the complexities that the government says there are. At one point in 2023, along with the help of Ivana Bacik, Labour TD, we brought forward a Private Member’s Bill that would effectively fix all the mistakes and omissions that the CFRA made. This was shut down by the government, and the then Minister for Health, Stephen Donnelly, promised that their own provisions would be brought forward as a “matter of urgency”.

But you see, this is a phrase we have been hearing year after year after year, and at this point, we would be idiots if we believed it. We recently sat down with the current Minister for Health, Jennifer Carroll Mac Neill, after a lengthy campaign to get a meeting.

Disappointingly, there were no assurances that going forward there would be a pathway for all children to be granted the equality that so far has been denied.

No one is disputing that the area of surrogacy and donor conception is complex and requires extensive protections and safeguards. But that has all been done. Again and again and again. And what is really simple is the fact that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of children living in a legal limbo every day in Ireland and across the world, simply because the government has refused to bring forward the legislation. It is also incredibly concerning that the voices of those most affected by the lack of legislation have time and time again been left out of the discussions.

Speaking to legal expert Dr Claire O’Connell, she reiterated the need to consult with those who have lived experience when drafting any legislation.

“Having researched this area of law for over 10 years, my experience is that an academic or practitioner perspective is not enough to create workable and inclusive legislation. The voices of the families and individuals involved have to be included. It is not surprising that excluding LGBTQ+ families from the consultation process results in excluding LGBTQ+ families from the legislative frameworks. This is a mistake that should not be made again. If for no other reason than I think alliance members would prefer to enjoy time with their families, instead of grinding every day to be included. And when included previously, we have worked hard to offer solutions and offer up our expertise and experience in order to be useful to the process. That is all we want now.”

I truly believe that if every person who voted ‘Yes’ 10 years ago knew that we did not, in fact, achieve marriage equality, there would be public outrage. Make no mistake, my marriage is not the same as a straight marriage. The children born into my marriage have not been treated the same as children born into a straight marriage. In my family, our first two daughters benefit from the legislation prior to May 2020, and so they have two parents. However, our son, who was conceived after May 2020, does not benefit from the same privilege, and so, he only has one legal parent.

I can’t quite put into words how painful it is to know every single day that your children, your babies, are being othered and ostracised by the country that is supposed to have their best interests at heart.

Two very simple ways in which you can support equality for all children of LGBTQ+ families are by signing our petition and sending an email to Minister MacNeill. The link to do both of these things can be found on www.equalityforchildren.ie or in my bio on Instagram @ranaevonmeding. I truly hope that if you are reading this, you can see how utterly unfair the current situation is for LGBTQ+ families in Ireland. We must change it, we must do better.

No one is equal until we all are.