A learning curve

As part of GCN and Belong To’s ongoing effort to platform the voices of Ireland’s LGBTQ+ youth, Tara McCarthy shares the reality of discovering one’s LGBTQ+ identity while in secondary school.

School — Belonging — Youth

If exams are a battle, then school is a war. Every one of us hardened soldiers, traversing through student life, completing the terms one by one and counting down the nights until the inevitable—the dreaded Leaving Cert. Well, that’s what my routine consisted of until I stepped on a landmine. KABOOM! I realised that I was queer. Though my mind was left rattled, shaken and teetering from the shock of such a sudden dawning, outside everything was... still. Life continued on, the clocks kept turning, and unfinished essays continued waiting for me on my desk.

Speaking most humbly, that was my personal LGBTQ+ ‘awakening’. My ‘moment of enlightenment’. “Ah, this is why I feel this way”. Hm. “Everything makes sense now-” NOT! But there simply wasn’t time for such thoughts. School continues at 9am the next morning, with teachers gawking at you as if you hadn’t just had the largest epiphany of your life the night before. Yet, this is the reality for queer students across the country, past, present and future; the unearthing of one’s sexuality and/or gender amidst the warfare that is education.

So, an adjustment of life as you know it ensues. Suddenly, questions arise. Was it obvious the whole time? Who do I tell? Who do I stay clear of? You sit up straight in SPHE classes, trying to act nonchalant but sweating profusely and listening intently as the educational content on sexualities now applies to you. “That’s me they’re talking about,” you deduce, praying people don’t notice the sweat forming on your hands. You begin to see different sides of your friends, too. They drop a borderline offensive joke (as all ‘edgy’ teens do) about “those gays”, but this time you laugh nervously. “Was it meant for me?” Perhaps they’re not so funny now that you’re on the receiving end. Slowly, the tides begin to turn thanks to the newfound comprehension of who you are. The waves washing baggage ashore. Baggage that weighs you down, little by little.

But there is a light! There are perks to being queer. One being the community, and the sense of “we’re all in this together!” I fully believe that once you ‘find your tribe’, you’re all set; able to surround yourself with those you truly like. That’s why when my school adopted an inclusion programme centred around LGBTQ+ topics, the Belong To LGBTQ+ Quality Mark, student life became a whole lot easier. My school actively explored a variety of ways to create, improve and maintain a safer atmosphere, including the establishment of a ‘rainbow’ club—a weekly group catering just to ‘rainbow’ pupils, their friends, and allies. This establishment rendered the once stormy seas of school life calm for me. It helped ease the weight of the luggage I carried onboard, knowing that once I walk through that door, I am accepted. There is no worry in-between those four walls, and certainly no fear.

A rainbow club like this has no downside. Students can meet with others who are also coming to terms with who they are. Connections are formed and soon blossom into full-blown friendships. A ‘demilitarised zone’ is provided where no one needs to hide, and everyone can be themselves. The club also denotes teachers who are supportive and kind, good to know for any student who is struggling and may need an adult to talk to in the future. The bottom line is: a rainbow club is fun. Games are played, debates are held, and even baked goods can be shared! A little nook of love hidden amongst the sobriety of school.

Mixing worry over study and anxiety over sexuality is a dangerous combination. But there are remedies and solutions just lying in wait. Find an outlet, be it chatting to someone, visiting somewhere, or practising something. Just remember, the ongoing drum of noise, ruckus, and negativity will subside, and soon we shall all emerge from the trenches, H1s in hand.

Belong To – LGBTQ+ Youth Ireland is the national organisation for LGBTQ+ young people in Ireland. Belong To offers weekly youth groups in Dublin for all LGBTQ+ young people, as well as advice, information and crisis counselling for LGBTQ+ youth, and supports LGBTQ+ youth groups across Ireland. Find information on all of Belong To’s work at: www.belongto.org.