SHIRLEY'S BURN BOOK

Who's on Shirl's beyatcha list this month?

A drag queen won Celebrity Big Brother? So, what.

I know that I sound like I’m bragging when I say I didn’t watch Celebrity Big Brother. But I just mean it in the same way that Apple says, ‘We didn’t pay our taxes’. It’s just a fact and now I feel so much richer.

In case you missed it: Courtney Act, which is a play on the words “Caught in the Act”, and Anne Widdicome, which is a play on the words “Reactionary Old Skank”, were down to the Final Two before Courtney was crowned winner. Yay! A drag queen has won a reality show in the UK. Cancel Brexit immediately. Oh wait, they’ve cancelled Big Brother instead. #sadface same way that Apple says, ‘We didn’t pay our taxes’. It’s

Brendan Cole deserved what he got

Last year on Strictly Come Dancing, gobby dancer Brendan Cole got into a verbal Cha Cha Cha with new judge Shirley Ballas – partly because he sees himself as her equal but mostly because he thinks people need to hear his opinions all the time. This year, the BBC have chosen not to renew his contract. Yes, it’s sad that he has lost a well-paid job, but what’s really tragic is that Piers Morgan is now campaigning for him to get it back.

New Spice is the same old shite

Posh has finally said ‘yes’ to a Spice Girls reunion, but apparently there are conditions. She’ll sign up, but only if she doesn’t have to sing. (It’s almost like she’s got my letters.)

Victoria famously never sang on their first hit ‘Wannabe’, but if she’s not going to sing again I can’t see them recording a new album or going on tour. ‘Easy V’ doesn’t come for free and rumours are that they expect to make £10 million from the reunion. How do they think they’ll make that cash?

Do they seriously think we’re all going to buy another copy of their Greatest Hits CD?

Justin Timberlake is all dried-up

Is that Justin Timberlake performing at the Super Bowl? More like Justin Tumbleweed.

I just can’t fight the feeling that Justin is a basic. It was basic when he went around telling everyone that he had ‘taken’ Britney’s virginity. It was basic when he left Janet to take all the flak for Nipplegate. And it was basic when he decided to work with Woody Allen.

His whole act seems derivative – like those hideous soaps they make from cannabis – and, if you disagree, cry me a river.

Kylie Jenner’s Baby Is a Publicity Stunt

The latest great tidings from the Contoured Klan is that one of them has given birth. Your latest overlord is Stormi Webster Jenner Kardashian, daughter of Kylie Jenner.

Kylie tried to ‘hide her pregnancy’ from Instagram by using her arm (#genius) and there had been much speculation for months. Speculation that originated in press releases from her ma, Kris Jenner, no doubt. #momager

Thankfully Kylie has now apologised from not “bringing us along the journey” by releasing a 15-minute documentary of her pregnancy and posting a photo of her child online. Please respect their privacy at this time.