I t’s been 11 years since Ireland voted for marriage equality. It’s been 10 years since I married my wife in the first same-sex marriage in Smock Alley Theatre in Dublin. It’s been 10 years since we became parents with the birth of our first daughter. It’s been 7 years since we were joined by our second child. It’s been 2 years since our son entered the world and completed our beautiful little family.
And still, as I write this sentence today, my marriage and my family are not equal. Our son is denied a legal connection to his other mom, his genetic parent and my wife. This is simply down to how and where he was conceived. Whether you are a two-dad family who have grown their family through surrogacy or you are a same-sex female couple who conceived through non-clinical conception and the help of a donor, currently the majority of LGBTQ+ families are denied equality for their children. Hundreds of queer families across Ireland and in countries worldwide are in the same position as we are. They are still not equal. Our marriages are not equal, and our families are not treated the same way as they would be if we were in a heterosexual marriage.
The issue of donor conception is complex, that is not in question here. However, when you look at it through the lens of marriage, it’s very simple. A heterosexual couple in a marriage can bring a child into that marriage however they want, with no question as to the paternity of the child or indeed the genetic heritage of the child whatsoever. Thousands of heterosexual Irish couples undergo egg, sperm or embryo donation every year, and once a donor-conceived child comes into a straight marriage, both parents are automatically the legal parents of that child. And that is not the argument here, because of course they should be – they are the parents of their child.
The problem here is that, a child born into a same-sex marriage is not treated the same, and in a same-sex marriage there is no presumption of parentage that there is in a straight marriage. That is not equal, not what we voted for and certainly not in the best interests of children born into same-sex families.
I talk about my marriage being un-equal, because it’s generally easier for people to understand the issue using that lens. However, this is about so much more than that. Parents shouldn’t have to be married in order to ensure legal protections to their children. Families shouldn’t have to look the same in order to be afforded equality.
We have had some monumental changes over the last few years. In 2020, five years after the Marriage Referendum, the Children and Families Relationships Act (CFRA) was introduced, and this is the reason why so many female same-sex couples can now both be on their children’s birth certificates. But this change, while historic and welcomed, only went so far. It was incredibly narrow in its provisions, and had many boxes you had to tick in order to be eligible. In my own family, it meant that our two daughters conceived prior to the introduction of this law, would be equal. Our son, however, who was conceived after 2020, did not ‘meet the criteria’. An arbitrary date is the reason why he is treated as a lesser citizen.
No one is trying to claim that the area of donor conception and surrogacy is simple. Quite the opposite. It is complex, far reaching and it is crucial that we get this right for all involved. However, it’s time now to say that we have had enough. We are tired of waiting. We are fed up with being last in line. We are exhausted with the daily struggle of fighting to be seen.
Ensuring that children have a legal connection to their parents is about basic decency. Now is the time to right this wrong and to finish the work of marriage equality once and for all. Until the time that all children have equal standing in the law regardless of how they were born or the sexual orientation of their parents, we must continue to press on. I truly believe that we can and we will achieve it.
We must always look back to that day 11 years ago when Ireland said yes to marriage equality because that was the clearest and most resounding reflection of the will of the Irish people. As a nation, we voted for equality, and until all LGBTQ+ families are equal, we cannot possibly say that marriage equality was achieved.
To learn more about the work Equality for Children is doing alongside their advocacy partners at the LGBTQ+ Parenting Alliance, follow @ranaevonmeding and @equalityforchildren on Instagram.
Photo by Johanna King.