dear dorothy

Dear Dorothy,

I have been going out with a wonderful guy for six months and it's turning into my first serious relationship. We moved in together two months ago with few problems.

The big trouble is he doesn't want to be monogamous.

I didn’t agree with monogamy either in theory - but in practice I don't want anyone else right now and I am jealous when he goes off with someone else. I don't want to tie him down but sometimes it really hurts.

Have I the right to make any demands?

Stephen, Dublin.

Dear Stephen,

Of course you have the right to make demands!

It is important that you should discuss matters fully with your lover - not in a dramatic way but so that he should understand your feelings. It is fair to ask him to perhaps avoid going off with someone else in front of you. You must also respect his views. It may not be his wish to be monogamous and you may have to accept this difference.

You must also ensure that you are practising safe sex with your lover, and avoid putting yourself at unnecessary risk in the event that he is not following the safer sex guidelines when he sleeps with other people.

You should try to analyse your jealousy to help you cope with your hurt. A certain amount of jealousy is often useful in holding a relationship together because it stops you taking each other for granted. Where this jealousy though is one-sided it can lead to a breakdown of your mutual respect. If your lover needs to go off with someone else then it is best to let him. A relationship that is worth 'having will still survive and your lover can still be faithful to you emotionally even if he is not faithful to you physically.

This honest approach to the problem must be better than one involving lies and deceit.

Dorothy.

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