LOVE SHOULDN'T HURT

Intimate partner violence is a prevalent, although sometimes overlooked issue within the LGBTQ+ community. In a bid to raise more awareness, Chris Rooke spoke to an array of experts to learn more about how abuse can manifest in queer relationships.

As Mary Hayes, Coordinator of Too Into You, the Women’s Aid project teaching young people about intimate relationship abuse, explains: “With the term, intimate partner violence (IPV), the mind goes straight away to physical abuse and very violent actions: punching, hitting, things like that. But actually, the abuse that very often queer people will face would be emotional abuse. So often it can kind of fly under the radar because it’s not seen as abuse because it’s not violence.”

It’s an important starting point for understanding and combatting IPV in the LGBTQ+ community, an issue commonly perceived as man-on-woman violence in heterosexual relationships but that can also occur within queer relationships. As Mary explains, IPV can cover a wide range of types of domestic violence, including physical violence, sexual violence, and psychological aggression (including behaviours such as coercive control).

While research into IPV experienced by LGBTQ+ people is limited, the trend among much of the research that does exist suggests that LGBTQ+ people experience higher levels of IPV than our heterosexual counterparts. This is particularly true for women and trans people: American research shows that over half of bisexual women and trans people have experienced IPV, as well as just under half of lesbian women (a rate similar to that found by Australian researchers). All of those stats are above the still alarming 35 per cent of heterosexual women who have experienced IPV. Gay men report slightly less frequent rates of IPV, but it is still far from rare at a rate of around one in four.

“There’s usually a sense of disbelief that a member of your same-sex could behave in this way,” says Derek Byrne,

LGBTQ+ Domestic Violence Education Officer for Men’s Aid. “I call it the double-whammy. People are not aware that what they’re experiencing is domestic violence or IPV. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, so when we go into the gay scene we are prepared to make compromises that may not be healthy for us.”

LGBTQ+ people might be more vulnerable than heterosexual people to make those types of compromises, both due to more general issues facing wider society and specific factors affecting our community and ourselves as individuals.

“Queer people are marginalised. There are the stresses of discrimination, rejection from family and friends, and isolation. Isolation is a huge tool of control, cutting you off from your family and your friends,” details Mary. “Often in queer relationships, you might have the same friend group, or your friend group is your only connection to the queer community, which is really important for your identity. So you can feel like you can’t say that your partner is being abusive because your friends won’t believe you because they’re their friends as well.”

“Internalised homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia are enormous elements that are specific to the LGBTQ+ experience,” adds Derek. “The fear of outing is a major one, particularly for people who have positions of authority.”

These issues are compounded for people in the LGBTQ+ community who find themselves belonging to more than one marginalised group: queer disabled people, queer Travellers, or queer migrants, for example. “Structural inequalities, whether it’s healthcare or accommodation or homelessness, are a big issue with IPV,” Derek continues. “One of the interesting issues we’re seeing in our support services is migrant men who are reliant on Irish men for somewhere to live. In some cases, they can be isolated so that they no longer have access to their support systems in terms of their friends. A power struggle emerges, where the Irish partner has power over the person who’s not Irish. That can be financial power as well, and sexual power. But more often than not it’s a power of accommodation, and those situations end up being quite physically violent as well. Our Court Support Service sees, on average, one a week of those.”

Less overt means of coercion can also be deployed, for example playing on someone’s low sense of self-esteem or worth—something experienced by many LGBTQ+ people as they understand how their identity fits within larger society—to ensure that the target feels like the relationship they are currently in is their only option. This can be particularly true for long-term relationships where behaviours or expectations can become embedded and difficult to challenge.

“Consent is another important factor in all relationships and encounters. It is just as relevant whether you have been together once or married for 40 years. Crucially, consent is not a once-off and needs to be communicated every time,” explains Sarah Monaghan, Manager of the national We-Consent campaign. “This often gets lost in long-term relationships, with a partner believing that they have a blanket consent due to their relationship status. This is not the case. Regular chats and check-ins ensure that both partners feel safe, listened to and supported.”

Despite the statistics garnered from research, and the specific risks that LGBTQ+ people face in cases of IPV, reporting of cases within the community remains very low. When IPV is discussed, it is most often in the context of men being abusive towards women in heterosexual relationships. While there is good reason for this—the majority of cases are captured by this description—it does not account for all scenarios or all relationships. The lack of visible stories around IPV in other contexts, including LGBTQ+ relationships, causes a chilling effect on survivors coming forward due to a fear that they don’t fit the template for who a survivor is.

“That fear of being isolated and not being believed is the main reason why people don’t tell anyone about the abuse because they’re just terrified,” says Mary. “We really need to normalise these discussions and empower queer people to recognise abuse, because at the moment they’re not included in those conversations, but it is a reality, it is happening.”

“If you don’t know that you’re experiencing domestic violence, you’re not going to report it,” Derek agrees. “You have to understand when you’re being manipulated, and how to recognise red flags in a relationship. What does a healthy relationship look like? What does a bad relationship look like?”

“So many of the cultural narratives around sexual violence and IPV are very hetero/gender-normative, and some queer victims/survivors might not recognise that what they are experiencing is abuse,” says Rachel Morrogh, Chief Executive of Dublin Rape Crisis Centre. “As a result, they might find it even harder still to know where to get support. There is a need for specific information and outreach within the sector to ensure people get the support and healing they need, and that appropriate and effective prevention initiatives can be carried out.”

Some groups are beginning to step up to fill this void. “There is not a lot of awareness or resources available for queer women around sexual health. As a youth worker and a queer woman, I know from experience that sexual health information for lesbian, bisexual and trans women is very few and far between,” says Kelsey Doyle, a Youth Worker with Belong To. “Belong To is in the early stages of developing a resource for youth workers and professionals who are working with lesbian, bisexual and trans women and non-binary young people. It aims to give those professionals the knowledge to be able to provide information and resources for the sexual health and well-being needs of these young people.”

“All the services of Dublin Rape Crisis Centre are available to everyone in society impacted by sexual violence regardless of gender, sexuality, race, or ethnicity,” details Rachel. “It should be stressed that sexual violence occurs in all parts of society. That it happens in any particular community does not mark it as ‘bad’, it is simply the same as all other sectors of society. Whether you are experiencing IPV yourself or are worried about someone else who is, we want you to know that it is never too late to reach out for support.”

More will need to be done on an organisational level to combat IPV, with Rachel saying: “A truly inclusive sex education that takes away shame and stigma from discussing sex and consent will undoubtedly foster conversations about these issues.”

When reflecting on relationships, both existing and new, Sarah argues there are key dynamics to look for to ensure a balance of power. “It’s important to remember that you are never responsible for the other person’s feelings and seconding your own needs should never be part of a healthy relationship. Being able to talk about patterns, assumptions, the yeses, the nos, and any feelings of rejection this may bring up is a real green flag in a relationship.”

Empowering the LGBTQ+ community to have these conversations and look after each other also remains a key factor. For people who want to try to make a difference in their social circles, Mary advises: “For all the barriers that queer people experience, most often they will go to someone in their own community, in their own friend circle, to just talk about what’s happening. As a friend, it’s to be prepared on how to spot that in someone you care about and to know how to have the conversation if they want to share something. A person who’s in a controlling relationship, they just want a bit of space for somebody to listen to them in a non-judgmental way. Just listening and giving them that time to work through in their head how they’re feeling can be monumental.”

If you have been affected by this story or are in need of support, there are numerous services available: Too Into You www.toointoyou.ie Men’s Aid confidential helpline 01 554 3811

To book free training contact Derek education@mensaid.ie. Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-hour National Helpline 1800 778888 Dublin Rape Crisis Centre web-chat www.drcc.ie We-Consent www.we-consent.ie Belong To LGBTQ+ Youth Ireland www.belongto.org