Express yourself

Fashion is a vessel through which many people find themselves. For Dominic McNally, continuing to explore masculinity and femininity through clothing has helped him better understand his gender identity.

Content warning: Mention of disordered eating.

When I was 11, I watched a documentary about trans kids. I knew I didn’t fit in for many reasons, but after watching that documentary, I finally had the words to express that difference.

I’m lucky to have a mother who let me explore my clothing and hair. I shaved and dyed the side and dyed a blue streak in my hair. I never wore dresses or skirts, I had colourful pants or leggings. Eventually, I listened to emo music and then dressed the same way.

I started to wear black torn-up jeans and T-shirts, it wasn’t feminine or masculine, I wore eyeliner too. At this point, I started to use ‘they/them’ pronouns and tried using the name Blake, but it didn’t stick.

For my confirmation, I cut my long, thick hair. I had a long fringe and shaved head. I started to see the boy that I was in the mirror.

I felt so light and closer to myself, wearing clothes that were neither girls nor boys, just jeans, a geeky shirt, a baseball hat and a jumper. I got to explore my transness without causing a stir within myself or with other people, without breaking my comfort zone.

I did try to be more feminine in my early teen years, wearing bras and make-up. It never felt right; I felt awful in myself, trying to like what I saw, but I never did. I knew then that dressing that femininely would break me, and it pushed me to accept that I was not a girl. I started to use the name Ignatius or Iggy.

When I started to wear a binder and my dad’s and brother’s clothes, I began to feel elated and confident; I felt like me. At 15, I accepted that I was a trans man, and my music taste began to expand, so I started to dress more pop-punk.

I started to use ‘he/him’ pronouns and my name, Dominic. I tried to be as masculine as I could, even listening to online discourse that told me there was a specific way to be trans, so I listened. I kept seeing online that the ‘proper’ way to look like a guy was to be thin, and I wasn’t, so some days I would not eat or eat a lot and try to get it to come back up, grappling with the expectation for trans men to be thin and good looking.

I began to wear more jewellery after I got my first face piercing and realised that the expectations were wrong. The Covid lockdowns happened when I was 16, I completely bleached my hair, grew it out a bit and tried to wear darker clothes. I was comfortable, finally, in my skin. I started to explore make-up again and realised that with jewellery, I found a comfortable line in which I could express my femininity.

I tried to dress more punk, wearing pins in my ears and nose, tartan on whatever I could find, and bleaching my clothes. This made me feel more masculine.

Getting closer to 18, I started cutting my hair in different ways and dying it. I felt normal in myself, like I wasn’t faking it for the outside world. At 18, I started wearing more extreme make-up and the same clothes from before, but I felt more comfortable with my identity and masculinity despite the make-up I wore. I would still get blips of doubt that I was a trans man, my clothing reflecting that.

By 20, I had let my hair grow pretty long, past my shoulders, as I was trying to achieve a metal look, but I lost myself and my style. I was still doubting my identity. I realised my hair and my clothes had power for me. I eventually cut my hair, and I knew myself again.

I am 21 now and still trying to find what is just me. I know now that I can express my gender through my clothes, and I have my confidence and assurance that I am a trans man. I have tattoos and piercings that make me feel like myself, and I have clothes that make me feel like my gender.

My clothes gave me an avenue to explore myself and my identity. I’m going to continue to change my style and appreciate that I can. Each adventure with my clothing or my hair, I get closer to understanding myself more and more.