How you present obviously affects how people perceive you, but more importantly, it can affect how you perceive yourself. Alice Linehan shares the impact a simple haircut had on her identity. | Pocketmags.com

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How you present obviously affects how people perceive you, but more importantly, it can affect how you perceive yourself. Alice Linehan shares the impact a simple haircut had on her identity.

Throughout most of my life, ‘butch’ had been a dirty word. It was acceptable to be a tomboy as I was growing up, but it was never okay to challenge the boundaries of femininity to a point where you could be perceived as the aforementioned ‘profanity’.

When I reluctantly came out to my mother in 2019, one of the first conditions of her acceptance was that I didn’t cut my hair, something I’ve come to realise is common for parents to say to their queer daughters. Long hair is feminine, and to be feminine is to be beautiful. So much of a woman’s worth has historically been based on her appearance, so it’s not surprising that a mother’s instinct is to protect her child’s value.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge said it best in Fleabag: “Hair is everything. We wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but it is.

“It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it… Hair is everything.”

Much like the biblical Samson, a lengthy mane to me represented some kind of armour and strength. It allowed me to dress in ‘boys’ clothes,’ have a makeup-free face, and walk swaying my shoulders instead of my hips without garnering too much negative attention. In contrast to Samson, my hair shielded me from masculinity and preserved my femininity in a way I was deeply afraid to sacrifice, no matter how much I wanted to.

Having long hair never really felt right and I didn’t know what to do with it. Curling wouldn’t work, french plaits absolutely not; sea salt spray, backcombing, volumising powder - you name it, I’d tried it and failed. Don’t even get me started on messy buns - little has frustrated me quite as much as being bested by this ‘effortless’ updo.

I had no idea how to be a girl, or what I thought a girl was supposed to be. My everyday and favourite look was a scraped-back high ponytail, but I got the most compliments when I felt most uncomfortable- wearing my hair down, free and wrestling with the Irish wind.

Honestly, my hair angered me. It felt like it worked against and not with me; but like many toxic relationships, I couldn’t bring myself to cut ties. However, that didn’t stop me from having adulterous thoughts about life with a tight trim.

I often worry that many of my decisions are ruled by fear, and it was certainly true in this case. I was afraid that if I cut my hair my double chin, plump cheeks and chubby eyelids (yes, really) would be accentuated. Truthfully, I was terrified of being ugly and having the arguments of the naysayers ring true.

However, when I agreed to my mother’s compromise during that painful car journey several years ago, I knew it was a promise I would break once I found the courage I believed to be hiding somewhere within me.

It surfaced in 2022, at 11am on the 11th day, when I finally forced myself to enter a barbershop and dump the dead weight.

As I sat in the chair, the inches shredding from my head, I waited patiently for the debilitating panic to set in. It never did, and instead, I was filled with immense pride. At last, my inner and outer selves aligned.

I felt lighter, no longer carrying around the burden of conformity. To be called beautiful meant something entirely different now. It was to be complimented for authenticity, commended for resisting. This beauty felt unique to me, the result of something I sculpted rather than something I plagiarised.

It has been over a year since then, and, aided hugely by my cropped cut, I have never felt more confident in my androgyny. Although I had tried to avoid being butch for most of my life, I realised that it wasn’t something I became but rather something I was born.

I was butch in a ball gown at my secondary school Debs, and butch in a suit at my college graduation. I was butch with a boy’s arm wrapped around my waist, and butch with a girl’s acrylics caressing my neck. I was butch with my long, thick, luscious locks, and butch with my hair shaved tight to my skull.

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FROM THE TEAM
Welcome, dear reader, to the February/March edition of GCN, and it’s a momentous one for yours truly!
AN INTRODUCTION
Way back in 1999, I was sitting with a friend in a queer bar in London. Two weeks previously, a nail bomb had gone off in the gay bar, the Admiral Duncan, killing three people.
How you present obviously affects how people perceive you, but more importantly, it can affect how you perceive yourself. Alice Linehan shares the impact a simple haircut had on her identity.
Throughout most of my life, ‘butch’ had been a dirty word. Alice Linehan shares the impact a simple haircut had on her identity.
Inside SLM
Ireland’s Sexual Liberation Movement started as an undercover meeting between ten Trinity College students in the final months of 1973.
Over the last year, we embarked on a project to determine people’s attitudes to age and ageing in the queer community.
What do people consider to be old? Have they thought about old age? Should there be specific supports for the LGBTQ+ community as we all age?
Lessons in Love
Not allowing society to dictate her life or how she loves, Nicole Lee shares how a queer platonic relationship has helped both her and her partner to grow.
First Ireland >>> Then the World
HIV activists Robbie Lawlor and (drag sensation) Veda Lady have become champions within the HIV community in Ireland. Brian Dillon spoke to the pair before they jetted off to World Pride in Sydney.
DOING IT FOR THEMSELVES
According to lesbian activist Izzy Kamikaze, not finding your place within your own community has been an issue. But the recent rise of LGBTQ+ Women’s nights has suggested a potential for change.
Journey of Self
Pradeep Mahadeshwar, co-founder of Queer Asian Pride Ireland (QAPI), details the experiences of a queer woman of Iranian descent who has made a life in Ireland.
PLEASURE THROUGH IMAGINATION
Overly regulated, often proscribed, constantly censured, sex has always been bound by taboos. Beatrice Fannucci peers into the freedom of erotic fantasies.
Another Milestone Birthday
With 2023 marking 35 years of existence for GCN, Tonie Walsh looks back at its early beginnings and celebrates the magazine’s part in the monumental progress LGBTQ+ people have made in Ireland.
Declan
On March 19, 1983, a large scale protest made its way to Fairview Park in outrage at the release of Declan Flynn’s killers. Considered the birth of the modern Dublin Pride movement, we mark the 40th anniversary of that march by reprinting a powerful article by Ger Philpott in GCN Issue 343
ICONSONLY
It would be rare to grow up in Ireland unaware of St Brigid. With this year being the first bank holiday in her honour, Alice Linehan does some digging on a saint who was more connected to the LGBTQ+ community than you may have thought
Out of the Closet
Take it from someone who’s known he was gay since birth: clothing is a manifesto. With that in mind, Damian Kerlin spoke to designers on the links between queer people and fashion.
BLOODIED BEAUTY
A stunning new documentary by Laura Poitras capturing the battle between Nan Goldin and the billionaire Sackler family who are widely blamed for sparking the opioid crisis has reached Irish screens. Han Tiernan takes a closer look at an unmissable work of art about the work of an artist
Directory
Listings, organisations, and supports.
Directory
Listings, organisations, and supports.
Next of Kin
For many LGBTQ+ people, family in all its forms has been an issue both positive and negative. With big changes about to happen in Irish Family Law, there was no better time for Rita Wild to speak to Suzy Byrne
TRANS VISIBILITY NOW
Being visible to me means being seen and noticed, and the degree to which we trans people are seen in our communities is important.
Looking for back issues?
Browse the Archive >

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