Scrambled Eggs & Androgyny My Genderqueer Story | Pocketmags.com

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Scrambled Eggs & Androgyny My Genderqueer Story

Zayda Slabbekoorn shares her genderqueer story and her journey of self actualisation.

I cook every day. 

I double over the chopping board, dicing and mincing vegetables. I’m mixing eggs in a pan, unscrambling all the thoughts that have ever passed through my head. I’ve indulged in cooking recently, because writing is, simply, not enough to unravel my internal monologue.

I’m a chronic over-thinker. I think about the present, the future, my breakfast and sometimes my lunch, the possibility of a career that I have no skills for, the life I wanted to live at age seven, and the life I’m living now. I think about my gender, my clothes, the style I want but can’t pull off, the style of the girl that passed me in the hallway when I was in school, her smile. I think about how sad it is that I’ll never be fully understood by so many people in the way I see myself .

Another thing about me, I’ve always been envious of others. I always wished to be someone else; a stranger, a lover, a best friend, a genderless-vibrant-eccentric plant that everyone admires for no reason other than its existence. I wished I was the person who always had a journal. You see them with their profound stare into nothing and then watch their eyes scramble for the pen and paper. They’re always sitting on a blanket in the park, enveloped in a blissful scene that everyone envies. Plastered on journals lies a recollection of their deep, great emotions - some are great novel ideas that will never be read, some become the next bestseller.

But when I journaled I wrote about food. I never worried about a stranger finding my journal in a century and publishing my shitty memoir. At best, they’d be able to make a decent cinnamon roll.

I wrote about cooking because that’s when I’m feeling my deep, great emotions. That’s what I and the person in the park have in common - we’re both feeling these deep feelings. Why has my childhood been clouded by a fog of someone I was trying so hard to be? Why is it so hard to write about the person I want to be? What parts of my identity are scripts by society and what parts have I written? Should I roast or fry the garlic in my new spaghetti recipe?

The person from the park and me - we may both lose our reality, troubled over our gender identity; we share the disconnect and the longing for someone to acknowledge us as we see ourselves. But, they write about it and I write about chopping onions.

I’m the type of person who empathises with stories and experiences instead of sharing their own. I’m always waiting for someone else to write or speak a story that helps me better understand myself. But, during quarantine, I had to look inward. It was that time that helped me feel confident in labelling myself as genderqueer.

When I re-entered the world, it didn’t take long for those self-assured feelings to fade. When people understood gender fluidity, they questioned why I didn’t present as androgynous. I felt like I was constantly being urged to explain myself, in the face of norms I didn’t even think to unravel. After a while, I stopped bringing up my gender identity and I never questioned those who assumed.

When people didn’t understand gender fluidity, I was simply ignored. I was never urged to explain my identity, only my ‘bad attitude’ at family functions or supermarket interactions or on dates. I was exhausted, and consciously or not, I was becoming a version of myself that I hated.

I hated the way people interacted with me, so I started to embody a stereotype. I dressed more androgynous, I exclusively adopted they/them pronouns. But, I felt like the fog was returning. Even so, people started to validate me. Even the LGBTQ+ community gave me more reassurance. I clung to that acknowledgement, despite the hurt that loomed.

I turned 20 and it felt like a hard reset. I was playing an act for people that didn’t even care to notice. Now, I try my hardest to always introduce myself as I am. I’m Zayda - bisexual and gender non-conforming. I’ll dress the way I want. I’ll be called she and her and they and them, and I’ll still be valid. My pronouns can change and be fluid and I am still genderqueer. I can accept myself for who I am despite whether others choose to.

I turned 20 and I stopped writing about cooking vegetables and overcooking my chicken and the mediocrity of my cinnamon rolls. I started packing a snack, a blanket, and my journal and writing about my great, deep emotions in the park.

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FROM THE TEAM
Welcome, dear reader, to the August/September edition of GCN.
THE NXF DURING PRIDE SEASON
We were delighted to use the occasion of the 2022 Dublin Pride Parade to unveil a new banner showcasing our rich legacy of campaigning dating back to 1979.
BEING ‘OUT’ IN THE WORKPLACE
Being queer means constantly questioning your identity and how you represent yourself to those around you, shares Leah Downey. There is a constant need to gauge the reactions of others, to understand if you are safe to be out or if it becomes a source of social isolation.
THIS IS ME
Up until the day she moved from Brazil to Ireland, Leticia Barbosa never really thought of herself as part of the Black community, but a new country brought about a new realisation of identity.
Sea Change
“My younger self always dreamed about traveling, so when I learned about a program that did internships abroad I knew this was my chance”, shares Olivia Fraser.
Scrambled Eggs & Androgyny My Genderqueer Story
Zayda Slabbekoorn shares her genderqueer story and her journey of self actualisation.
THE DARK SIDE OF MONKEY
With the rise of campaigns against equality, Beatrice Fanucci takes a look at where funding for far-right groups comes from.
DOMESTIC ABUSE IN THE QUEER COMMUNITY
“I have experienced domestic abuse,” writes Val Hourican. “It’s taken me two years to write that down and sit with it. It’s a hurt I’ve worked through but it still sits there under the surface. The tension ready to break at any moment like a fish jumping out of water to avoid a predator...
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN
An absorbing read full of twisted tenderness and atmospheric tension, Hawk Mountain, the debut novel by Conner Habib, is utterly compelling. He spoke to Lisa Connell on its journey to reality. Portraits by Hazel Coonagh.
Making A Move
Choreographer and performer Nick Nikolau dances through their memories in a daring solo show at DFF. Dissecting it with Oisín Kenny, they open up about the people, queer spaces, and club nights which breathed a euphoric life into their performance. The stunning images were captured by Hazel Coonagh.
FAMILY REVELRY
After igniting a RIOT at the Dublin Fringe Festival in 2016, THISISPOPBABY celebrates the act of letting go with a glittering Irish WAKE. Ahead of their new show, writer Oisín Kenny dives into this raucous meeting between club culture and Irish tradition
All Shook Up
“Think The Wizard of Oz meets Thelma and Louise with camp pop classics as our soundtrack,” says Candy Warhol when asked to give an elevator pitch to writer Chris Rooke for her upcoming Dublin Fringe Festival show The Wind That Shakes the Wig. The stunning photos featured are all by Eoin Greally
ABSENT
Writer Dylan Coburn Gray on the the process of making a show about adoption.
Roundup of Queer Dublin Fringe Festival Shows
Take a look at the queer side of the Dublin Fringe Festival...
Fostering with Five Rivers
We started our fostering journey over five years ago now. We always believed that we had something to offer...
LETTING OFF STEAM
When it comes to his body, Geraint Llewellyn prefers to disappoint people one at a time – so as a result he’s never stepped inside a sauna. And by sauna he doesn’t mean getting sweaty in Sweden being hit by sticks.
Giving Voice
A series of short video portraits of queer men will be screened in Outhouse on the evening of Friday 23 September. The people involved share a part of their stories, accompanied by a series of beautiful images from Babs Daly
Directory
Trans & Intersex Pride 2022: Shared Communities
During the recent Trans and Intersex Pride, a powerful speech by Mike, a Trans Traveller, was read aloud on his behalf. We are proud to share his powerful words and thank those involved for permission
Goodbye, My Friends
From early days as a team member all the way up to running the organisation, our beloved Managing Editor Lisa Connell will depart after an incredible 14 years in total with GCN
Looking for back issues?
Browse the Archive >

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