As someone who is less HnH (high and horny) and more F&F Tesco clothing line when it comes to porn, the cynic inside me (I’m a bottom) says that nothing is real. Nobody is ever that hung, hard, that loud. Nobody really shags the pizza delivery man while their Hawaiian gets cold.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude, but what sex in porn does, I believe, now that it’s everywhere, is leave us with unrealistic expectations and a massive sense of inadequacy. My grandparents never worried how hairy their holes were, nobody in Pride and Prejudice felt the pressure to deep throat (at least not in the film, I never read the book).
Porn never has anyone with a limp member, limp wrist, headache or an early start. When it comes to swallowing you never hear, “No thank you, it tastes like pennies”. But what are porn actors’ sex lives like in real life? When the cameras aren’t rolling, no muscular plumber coming to fix the sink, no lesbian being magically converted by a penis, and with loads of Fair City to catch up on? I spoke to porn performers on Twitter to find out the realities.
“I don’t have a sex life” says Trans “bad boy” Chance Hart. “I don’t date, people are often surprised to find I live in a shack”. When not foraging for food in rural America, Chance sees sex as just a job. “Being down on all fours when a group of gays use a giant syringe to inject fake cum… isn’t particularly glamorous.”
So even the semen in porn is fake, a bit of corn flour and coconut oil, or icing sugar and sour cream. You’d be surprised (and slightly disturbed) how many recipes you can find online. @PhilJames69, a Cardiff-based hyper masculine Adonis, with over 150,000 followers, huge biceps and no clothes, described how even though he doesn’t do it himself, other porn actors inject directly into their penis to sustain a 12-hour erection. “Sudafed, sort of helps it go down.” I just think of Boris Johnson.
With a bald head and body hair, he films with other actors, as well as his equally buff (I want to sleep at the end of their bed like a cat) boyfriend, @misterdickjames. The couple travel for work to Barcelona, Berlin, London (and no they don’t get time to see a show, I asked). “It can be a little bit awkward- ‘it’s nice to meet you, bend over.’ It’s a lot less stressful having sex with just you and your partner (on set). There’s a man on the camera, on lights… then I remember some random man just sort of walked in off the street and started watching.”
But Phil admits sex can be a bit like a busman’s holiday and after a long day all the pair want to do is watch TV. “It’s exhausting.” We’ve all been there. “It was a six-man gang bang.” OK, maybe not. “I cook, clean, listen to musicals, I’m totally different. Whereas online I’m seen as a sort of a tattooed muscle daddy.”
What I see online, not too much because I can stop any time I like, are huge dicks like two Pringles cans Sellotaped together that could take out both eyes.
“Eight and a half inches long by seven and a half inches thick.” That’s not my penis, but the penis of Florida-based porn actor, and probably the nicest man you’ll ever meet, @ pinocchio82, who, despite a successful career on camera, finds it hard to have sex in real life.
“People do get scared when they see it,” admits the 52 year-old former Broadway actor, “and say ‘it’s just too big’. Not on set because that’s what they pay you for.” But in real life, “people want to look, but don’t actually want to try and suck or be penetrated by it, it’s very frustrating.” I just assumed a big penis was what everyone wanted? “People say that, until they actually meet it and then it’s like, ‘oh god, no sorry.’
“I’d love to come home from work and have someone to share my life with. But even putting my penis in a glory hole, the person on the other side will just all of a sudden leave.”
Self-proclaimed ‘Power Top’ (I’m more of a lazy sideways) @Londongirthplus shared, “My real life sex life is much more passionate” despite what his rough dominant online persona might suggest. “I don’t have to worry about how I look on camera, about getting the right angles.” I don’t blame him, I’d be conscious of my fat back or my bald patch. “I don’t have to wear a mask (he never shows his face) or hold the phone. I can feel more in the moment.”
With such a saturated market he said, “I perform on camera, more dominant and detached because that’s how my fans like to fantasise about me, it’s more appealing and it’s part of how my character is.” And despite being single, “If I tell them (prospective partners) I have an Only Fans, usually they don’t want to see me again.” In real life, “I kiss, I cuddle, I’m actually very caring… and suck to completion.”
Sign me up.
“I’m new to this whole thing,” says @mummysfeet1, an online foot dominatrix. “My friend was paid £100 by someone to watch her wax her armpit. So, I decided to give it a go.” Finding her niche - male and female ‘submissives’ record themselves masturbating and worshiping photos of her feet, all while paying for the privilege – she puts the money she makes towards new shoes.
“In real life I’m a married woman and I’m a little bored during the week. I’m going to have to tell my husband at some point,” she admits. “My sex drive is nowhere near the levels of my doppelganger (husband); we’ve been together for 20 something years. If you ask him, he’d probably say we don’t have enough sex.” And despite her online chastising and her ominous catchphrase, ‘Make mummy happy’, she says, “If my husband ever asked me to talk to him the way I sexted the people online, I would die of embarrassment on the spot!”
This is the bit where I come to my conclusion, except I don’t have one, all I know is that nobody wants to pay to see me naked. “Porn is just a fantasy,” says one producer who asked to be kept anonymous, “Nobody fucks like that, cums like that, people know deep down it’s all pretend, they’re just acting.”
It is true, everyone I’ve spoken to was surprisingly normal, average, living their life, even that guy who had a fetish for clown noses that didn’t make the cut.
So, on that note, I’ll give the last word to the Trans bad boy himself, Chance Hart. “Porn stars are just regular people with plenty of insecurities and zits on their asses just like everyone else.”
Wise words, how about one more?
“An empty enema to force air into my guts so I can make fart videos isn’t really all that glamorous either.”