Maeve Mulcahy is gonna fail Pass Maths cuz she’s a smackhead who ‘comes up’ more often than Pythagoras

DIARY ENTRY:

This week during Double Religion, Sonia Ryan told Emma Regan, who is my BFF, that was talking crap about her behind her back. As if! But instead of being chill and checking with me, Emma got the hump and stopped talking to me. She says, “Will you tell Shirley that need my Irish book back?” and say, “Bitch I’m right here beside you?!!” And then she says, “Can you ask Shirley to give me back my Home Ec. Project?” and I’m saying, “ExSqueeze me?! You know full well that I’m the one who found that recipe for custard cream biscuit cake online, and I’ll die rather than hand it over to you!”

By now Sonia Ryan has the rest of the class whispering that there’s gonna be a scrap and before we know it, me and Emma are rolling around the floor in a pool of blood and snot, biting at each other’s pigtails, while Sister Angela is screaming at the top of her lungs: “For the love of the black babies of the Belgian Congo, you’re MEANT TO BE FRIENDS!!!”

And we are! But we can’t stop fighting because we have to respect the will of the people, who are standing around us in a circle chanting: “Fight! Fight! Fight!”, so we keep clawing and scratching, never sure if it’s our own eye that we’re gouging out.

So we fight on, knowing that when we can’t fight anymore, our broken and battered bodies will be ordered to the Principal’s office who’ll sentence us to Perpetual Detention where we will sit shoulder to shoulder in sullen silence for the rest of time. And that’s the most Brexity thing that happened to me this week.

MULTICHOICE QUESTION:

If Brexit was a show on Netflix, what show would it be?

• Bandersnatch, because giving people a choice isn’t always a good idea.

• Bird Box, because if you look straight at it, you’ll want to kill yourself.

• House of Cards, because that guy pretending to be a politician is clearly a sexual deviant.

• That Fyre Fest documentary, because soon enough you’re gonna need to blow someone to get anything through customs.

If the world wasn’t terrifying enough right now, step forward Disney with its new live-action remake of Aladdin. Now, I’m sure the lm has a few scary moments, but the real scream is Will Smith as a bluefaced genie. don’t ever want a friend like that!

Come to think of it; Brexit is basically a live action remake of The Wizard of Oz. It’s the story of how the brainless, the cowardly and the heartless headed off on a journey into the unknown only to discover that the entire quest was a fevered fantasy and they already had what they wanted all along.

COMPARE AND CONTRAST:

After a ten-year war, the Ancient Trojans had their civilization destroyed when they were fooled by a wooden horse. After a referendum campaign lasting three months, the British were fooled by a bus. There’s been a lot of chat about how to take care of the Queen after a No Deal Brexit, which seems weird to me. After a Hard Brexit, most Brits will have their ability to travel severely limited but not the Queen. Every chess player knows that a Queen can move in whatever direction she wants.

I’d be more worried about the free movements of Prince Phillip.

The Brits can’t quit with the World War Two references when talking about leaving the EU. You’d swear that they were prisoners of war trying to escape from the Nazis.

Then again, if they’ve got images of The Great Escape in their minds as they plan their departure, that would explain why they’ve found themselves bloodied and on the wrong side of the border, tangled up in barbed wire while the Germans laugh on.

BREXIT BLAME GAME:

We all know that the Brexit referendum was entirely the Tories’ idea. And we know that the embarrassing mess since has been completely the Tories’ fault. When the UK crashes out of the EU with No Deal, that’ll be because of the Tories too. Yet, loads of furious Brits are saying that they’re never going to vote Labour again!

It’s no wonder that their own politicians don’t want them anywhere near a ballot box. I wouldn’t even let them vote on Britain’s Got Talent.

The UK wants me to believe that it’s going to be able to deliver a high-tech solution for a frictionless border when it can’t even deliver a win at the Eurovision?