Shirley’s Burn Book

Shrink To Fit

I’ve always thought of Madonna as a size queen – after all she’s the biggest female artist of all time with the highest earning tours. But it seems size is not everything to Her Madgesty, who has just announced a new ‘theatre tour’. #downsizing

While the smaller, intimate venues will thrill fans as they can get up-close-and-personal to Madame X and her many facelifts, others are suggesting she just can’t be arsed dancing across football pitches in the rain anymore. #SlowDownMami

These haters might be on to something, after all, Madonna did just spend $5 million developing state-of-the-art holograms for a performance at the Billboard Awards. So maybe her next tour won’t involve her having to even be there at all!

Judging by the reaction to her latest music, she won’t be the only no show.

Sheer Hell

Like the Spice Girls and Humpty Dumpty, some things are impossible to put back together again. Others just don’t belong together at all.

For example, Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber have just released a collaboration that, like those awkward fumbles we had in college, should have stayed in a quiet part of the library where nobody ever goes.

Their new song is called ‘I Don’t Care’ which I think is short for ‘I Don’t Care What You Do In Your Private Life But Please Stop Forcing It Upon Us’.

Won’t Take It Lying Down

Alyssa Milano is angry at new anti abortion laws that have recently been passed in the US and she wants all women to do something about it. Technically, she wants them to do nothing about it because, in a move that’s more Phoebe from Friends than Phoebe from Charmed, she has suggested a sex strike.

Milano spent years playing a witch so it’s probably not surprising that she thinks everything has a quick fix. But she is also used to working with material that doesn’t have a lot of substance, so it’s no shock that her idea isn’t fully thought through either. Tighter abortion laws are designed to make women abstain from sex for pleasure so threatening to abstain from sex isn’t being rebellious. It’s being obedient.

A better campaign would be if women keep having sex but just with each other.

No Show Like A No-Show

If not showing up to your own gig is a trend, then Victoria Beckham already set that trend. Posh Spice has decided that she is too posh to partake in the upcoming Spice Girls World Tour. Fans are worried that it just won’t be the same without Brand Beckham, but maybe that’s the point. For example, Geri Halliwell-Horner-Ginger-Spice says she won’t be wearing her signature Union Jack dress as she wants to do something more ‘age appropriate’. And since she can’t sing a note, she’s obviously not worried if those lyrics are age appropriate.