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Shirley’s Burn Book

We’re The Worst

Speaking of Netflix: haven’t been chill since watched David Attenborough’s Our Planet documentary. We humans are a manky species and we have the place ruined for animals, from the deepest jungles to the melting ice caps. This is why we can’t have nice things!

Because icebergs are disappearing, Mr Attenborough explained that walruses have to live on land now. But because they’re not used to being away from the sea, they keep throwing themselves off cliffs thinking that the sea is beneath them. It’s not anymore and the poor things get mangled. #splat If you’ve ever seen Dolly Grip performing ‘This is Me’, you’ll get the picture!

Netanyoohoo

Next month will see gays from all over Europe arriving into Tel Aviv as Israel hosts the Eurovision Song Contest and the Holy Land will become the Hooley Land. (“Good Evening Jerusalem, may we have the votes of the Palestinian people?”)

Israel likes to remind us of its tolerant attitude to LGBT+ people – and it’s true that Israel has much better protections for LGBT+ people than most Middle Eastern countries. But under Benjamin Nethanyahu’s watch things are getting WORSE not better and Israeli LGBT+ organisations say there was a 50 percent increase in homophobic incidents there last year.

And even though the Israelis have just re-elected Netanyahu, the gays shouldn’t despair. Madonna will be performing at the Eurovision and that’s bound to make everything better!

Hair Brained

Remember Michaella McCollum? She was one half of the Peru Two, who were busted smuggling nearly €2m of cocaine out of Peru. With her massive dark hun-bun and badly drawn eyebrows, Michaela also inspired a million Halloween costumes back in 2013.

The Peru Two were banged up until 2016 and, since she got out, Michaella has been trying to og her story to anyone who will listen. Apparently, she’s now written a book and is bragging of a potential movie about “the stupid mistake that would change my life forever”.

Okay bbz, but if made a movie every time that had a stupid hairdo, could start my own Netflix.

Céad Míle Fáilure

It’s not just Leo’s letter to Kylie or Direct Provision that show how weird we can be about welcoming people to Ireland. We give tourists mixed signals too. Most of the time we’re all ‘Céad Míle Fáilte and that’ll be 50 Euro’, but if a group of Spanish tourists gets in our way on Henry Street, then we’re shouting at the ‘poxy foreigners’ like rabid Brexiteers.

I know we have history with ‘visitors’ who ‘overstay’ their ‘welcome’ but there’s a limit to how suspicious we should be of newcomers. For example, a family visiting from New Zealand recently learned that Irish hospitality wasn’t a very trusting kind of hospitality when they discovered their AirBnB host had installed hidden cameras to watch their every move.

Je Ne Sais Pas Pourquoi

Poor Leo Varadkar got into fierce trouble for using the office stationery for his letter to Kylie but nobody seemed to notice that Kylie’s immediate response was to call in sick and cancel her gig.

That got me thinking... If Leo tells the Brits that he’s a ‘huge fan’ of Brexit, the whole thing will be off quicker than one of Kylie’s engagements.

This article appears in the 353 Issue of GCN

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This article appears in the 353 Issue of GCN