Finding Time For Yourself

Joking aside, there are certain challenges that my wife and face as same sex parents. Challenges which massively impact our emotional and mental health. One of the biggest issues in our two years of parenthood has been the fact that my wife is not legally recognised as a parent to our children. Despite the fact that marriage equality was supposed to have made us one of the most forward thinking countries, same sex parents in Ireland are still denied rights to have an equal family.

We did reciprocal IVF, which means that we used my wife Audrey’s eggs and carried the pregnancies. So biologically our children are hers, but because physically gave birth, am seen as a single mother and Audrey is effectively a legal stranger to both our two year old, Ava, and her sister, who is due at Christmas.

Understandably this causes massive stress to both of us. The main way we cope with this is to be proactive in trying to change our situation. We actively participate in campaigns and protests to highlight this inequality. For myself, ind that writing about it really helps. Other things which think are of utmost importance, for everyone, but especially when you have little ones are: Exercise: I’m not talking about running a marathon- unless that’s what you are into! But getting even some light exercise every day will positively impact both your physical and mental health. feel such a difference in myself when actually make the effort to get to the swimming pool or Pilates class.

Spending time with friends: We all have busy lives, but things are not going to get any less busy. Make time for the people who you treasure and who add value to your day-to-day.

Saying no to things/people/situations that you don’t want in your life: This can be such a hard lesson to learn. Recently had to put an end to a friendship that had become a toxic situation for me. As a people pleaser want to make everyone happy, but if a situation or person is draining you and not adding any positivity to your life, then maybe it is time to take a step back.

Making time for yourself: It seems like a simple enough thing to do. Right? Well it can actually be very difficult. Add kids into the mix and it’s even harder. The thing is, denying yourself doesn’t do anyone any favours. It’s like trying to run a car on an empty tank or with the wrong fuel. You’re not going to get very far. Even worse, you might damage the car. In my experience, I’ve learned it’s okay to step away from your children, from your partner and to say ‘I need some time alone’.

When Ava was about nine months old Audrey sent me away for the night to a local hotel. And swear it was the best thing she could have done for me. needed some time to not have to worry about taking care of anyone else. Granted had the breast pump with me which wasn’t the most glamorous!

It is also vital to take time to be alone with your partner. This is a mistake we made for the first year, thinking it all had to be about the baby. The truth is that when you aren’t a cohesive unit, how can you expect your family to function as a whole? It’s a lot easier to build a strong family unit if the foundation is solid. These days, even though it can be very difficult to navigate schedules and babysitters, we make a very determined effort to spend time with just the two of us. It reminds us why we decided to spend our lives together (and make crazy miniatures of ourselves.)

In this spirit, we recently celebrated our ten year anniversary with a day away in the gorgeous Clif House Hotel in Waterford. It was such a special night as with the new arrival coming soon, it will inevitably get even harder to make time to be alone. But we will figure it out and make it happen. Because it’s too important to let it slide.