Shirley’s Burn Book

Scientology is far and away the worst.

Nicole Kidman has acknowledged that she doesn’t have much of a relationship with the kids that she adopted with Tom Cruise back in the Days of Thunder days. When she and Tom split up, it seems the Church of Scientology got the kids.

Conor and Isabella are now in their twenties and both are active Scientologists – a fact that is altogether totally unrelated and not connected with the rumour that Nicole hasn’t laid eyes on them in years. #alienated #Haven’tXenuForAges

Nicole told an Aussie magazine that it’s her job as a mother to love her children no matter what and that, as adults, they can make their own decisions.

Which makes sense, because Scientologists are well known for their free-thinking.

Things Are Not Exactly Grande in camp Ariana.

Ariana Grande has been through a lot recently. There was the terrorist bombing at her gig in Manchester, the death of an ex only months after their split and, more recently, an engagement that didn’t work out. She’d be forgiven for thinking that her high pony was cursed. I know mine is. Ariana took to Twitter recently to tell her fans that the universe has been conspiring against her ever since she released a song claiming she had ‘No More Tears to Cry’. #Sad Don’t be silly, Ariana. God is a woman and I’m not that into you.

How are things downtown, Petula?

She’s been around a long time and touched so many people. Mostly by consent. She’s also celebrating a monumental birthday this month. And while I could be talking about Panti (and I often am – Happy Birthday Mayleen!), I’m actually talking about the legendary Petula Clark.

She is turning 86 this November and is still touring. (NO! Still not talking about Panti!) The English singer of massive hits like ‘Downtown’ is currently on a tour of the US over FIFTY years since her first tour there in the 1960’s! In fact, Petula was a child star in the 1940’s and was labelled ‘Britain’s Shirley Temple’. What an original!

So far, nobody has dared to claim that they are Britain’s Shirley Temple Bar, which is hardly surprising. And – as long as you don’t count Bunny – there is no one quite like Panti either.

More money than sense. Jealous...

The UK has a new National Crime Agency, which monitors and confiscates assets that come from criminal behaviour and corruption, and an Azerbaijani woman named Zamira Hajiyeva became the first person to be served with one of its ‘Unexplained Wealth Orders’. Obviously, I am ragin’!

Zamira raised eyebrows after she had bought several multi-million pound properties and spent over £16 million in Harrods. Authorities couldn’t believe how she could have that kind of money, so they have launched an investigation.

Which is the legal equivalent of the look the lady in Brown Thomas gives you when you ask to try on a Chanel suit.