Intimacy

Intimacy is complicated. It takes a lot of f uidity and f exibility to be truly comfortable with someone. When we think of intimacy we associate it with vulnerability, excitement, and, for some people, fear. However this fear is not something to be worried about. For LGBTI+ people in our community this fear is almost unavoidable.

I messaged them on Tinder and said ‘I have a big Twitter crush on you!’ Turns out we didn’t even follow each other.

Cúnla & Lo

Intimacy is being able to say whatever, speaking your mind, being free to be you.

Guilherme & Seamus

Intimacy isn’t a physical thing, it’s about being vulnerable with someone.

Sarah & Mark

When I kiss you I’m telling you ‘I love you, and I care about you and you are safe’.

Ruán & Hunter

OPINION: Niamh Scully Intimacy

Most of us grow up afraid of who we are and who we love because it doesn’t align with the ‘norm’. Growing up hyper aware of everything isn’t all bad though, this fear has undisputedly shaped you and made you into the person you are.

Many LGBTI+ people find intimacy difficult. The barriers we’ve put up around ourselves our whole lives now have to be lowered. And when you’ve spent your whole life doing the exact opposite, you panic. Learning to love yourself and your identity is the rst true intimacy you will experience as an LGBTI+ person, far before you are wholly intimate with someone else.

It takes time to be comfortable with others. To allow yourself to be intimate. To overcome the internalised homophobia, transphobia and misogyny that can stop you succumbing to absolute pleasure. These prejudices can be deep rooted, they can make you ashamed of your body and the pleasures it is capable of experiencing. However, these prejudices have no place in the bedroom. Being emotional or promiscuous or prudish is your choice, it is not predetermined by outdated gender roles that you don’t conform to. So as frustrating as it can be, it’s important to acknowledge these internalised issues. Despite popular opinion, being happy in your own identity doesn’t make you immune to the external prejudice you experience. You are not as indestructible as you feel you need to be, and that is OK. It’s human.

The spectrum of sexuality is broad, and very relatable for many LGBTI+ people as they undergo the process to understand themselves. There are things your head can want that your body panics at, and vice versa. Many LGBTI+ people, including myself, see themselves as demisexual. The learned behaviours of, ultimately, survival can come into play and make intimacy difficult. But through all this conflict you can’t forget to be kind to yourself. It is absolutely OK to be afraid. So many people in our community wait a long time to nd someone who they feel comfortable being with intimately.

The self critic you are so used to hearing has no place in these intimate moments. It’s not weird or embarrassing to be unable to control your emotions as they bubble out of you. Uncontrollable laughter and tears are the basis of so many of my own memories. Finally allowing yourself to let go of everything around you is completely liberating. Just talk, hug, kiss, hold hands, send an ‘x’, masturbate, have sex, whatever! Just be your version of happy. Be intimate…in your own time.