COPIED
4 mins

Ray O’Neill

The rise of unlimited choice and seeming availablity has lef us unable to enjoy one thing without the fear that we’re missing out on something better, turning us into FOMOsexuals.

FOMOsexuality

The French psychoanalyst, Jacques Lacan defi ned desire as neither inherent nor individual, but a group dynamic, a social interaction: “Desire is the desire of the other”. In other words, what we desire is learned/enforced through social constructions and interactions. The most popular toy is always the one the other children want; and as soon as that toy is no longer desired by others, it becomes abject, redundant. We see this in fads and crazes; in the fashion machine’s ‘must-haves’; in what bodies matter, and correspondingly what bodies are unwanted and therefore undesireable.

We live in an age where there is a tyranny of choice; we have too much to choose from, but choose we must. Unlike bygone days in Ireland, where watching one TV channel only meant missing one other, we now miss out on hundreds of ‘choices’, despite being able to record six, or ten simultaneously. We are haunted by the choices we lost, missed, neglected. We are unceasingly distracted, anxiously checking our phones during television programmes, in cinemas, even over meals. In bars we glance to strangers, indeed friends, while focusing on our screens, the Apps; to see who we could meet and chat to.

It’s a culturally stimulated ADHD, where we cannot attend to one experience for fear of missing out on others, and thus we enjoy none. We have become FOMOsexuals, unable to be in any real encounters or commit to any real experiences, sexually, emotionally, socially. Haunted by the fantasies of those that might message us, we fail to engage with the people before us.

FOMOsexuality as a socio-sexual phenomenon is becoming increasingly pervasive, if not ‘normal’. Our lives have become a huge marketing, self-promotion exercise; logging events and experiences as photos for Facebook or Instagram for the approval of the unknown masses. And the stronger our FOMO, the more enslaved to these technologies of our own imprisonment we become. No one commits to meeting, dating, fucking anymore; everything is last minute, hiding as spontaneity, but concealing the anxiety in our delaying for something else. used to wonder why couples went out for a meal together but didn’t talk to each other; at least now they have their phones to capture the evening out, to post it, to do anything but be there in the awful struggle of potential intimacy.

Sexually, fantasy has always been a spice that can fl avour or enrich an encounter. Sometimes closing one’s eyes and opening one’s mind to ideas, images, memories, hopes can be so enlivening and enhancing. But now in FOMOsexuality, we drown out the tastes of another’s body with drugs that detach us from each other, with pornography that detaches us from ourselves. Fantasy has moved out of our personal imaginations and onto screens where we download scenes enacted by the Others, with their perfect bodies, genitals, orgasms, and a little part of our originality, our imaginative magical potential dies in laziness, passivity and self-loathing.

Under the tyranny of choice, many can only exist by declining to choose, refusing to take part; it just costs too much. In a similar psychology to the refusals of anorexics encircled by food, may there not be a correlation between society’s persistent sexual ‘liberations’ and the emergence of asexuality as a necessary personal identity? Sexually, in the western world, the fear of missing out on all the rides, and clicks, and hook-ups and fucks has led to sexual anorexias and sexual bulimias. Some are so burntout, exhausted, excluded that they refuse to engage anymore, becoming desexualised, withdrawn; while others make themselves sick through sexual over-consumption. When there are so many to expend, there is no longer enjoyment in the appetising nibbling of another, we can only binge on bodily remains that cannot be tasted.

Inherent to the power and potential beauty of any choice is the regret over choices not taken – we must miss out in order to gain experience. This is the potential joy inherent to any letting go. The road not taken defi nes us as much as the road we choose. Now we no longer stand at such crossroads, but at myriad junctions and speeding traffi c yovers where procrastination is deadly. We can only be overwhelmed by the amount of information, choice, options that are constantly changing and being updated.

So impossible is it to not miss out on something, instead of choosing a single direction, we desperately google map ourselves to on-line destinations others have ‘liked’. The more we have to choose from, the greater the related deprivation in what we are missing out on, the tougher the dissatisfaction, the more we feel we are less.

Delayed gratifi cation is sexy; desire thrives in being deferred. Taking our time to connect, to learn, to approach, to explore, facilitates choosing better than having more to choose. It is the quality in our choosing, not the quantity of our choices that should draw us in. It does not matter what we choose, so much as what we do with/in/through that choice. It is never about staying in an unnecessary or unwanted commitment to the objects of our choice, as much as enjoying the exploration and potential within that choice.

The sexiness is in not knowing, in getting to know, in being unsure, vulnerable. Either we meet ourselves and others here, or we fail to meet, and this is the only thing we should truly dread losing.

“ Sexually, in the western world, the fear of missing out on all the rides, and clicks, and hook-ups and fucks has led to sexual anorexias and sexual bulimias.

Ray is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist specialising in individual and relationship counselling. He can be contacted on 086 828 0033

This article appears in 346

Go to Page View
This article appears in...
346
Go to Page View
From The Editor
While we take for granted our right to marry, many LGBT asylum seekers in Ireland are living in a system of fear...
We Asked The Team
What Would Be The Theme Of Your Big Day?
Sylvia Meehan
A Fearless Champion of Equality For All
Water Cooler Chatter: Dublin Pride and The Pope’s Visit
GCN has launched a petition for the 2019 Pride Parade to march through the main streets of Dublin.
I Can See Clerys Now
The countdown timer is ticking for the Irish cinema release of Under The Clock.
Busby Berkery
Irish choreographer extraordinaire, James Berkery (pictured) will have his mad skills blown large on the big screen with the release of the short dance film Four Quartets.
Be Kind, Rewind
Mark O'Connell's queer ode to 80's movies.
Bi Visibility Day
Sunday, September 23 was the official worldwide Bi Visibility Day.
A Quickie with...
Pop Sensation Saara Alto talks coming out and her upcoming gig in Dublin.
QUEER VIEW MIRROR
Another month, another clerical abuse scandal. Germany, Australia, Chile, the
Get Away Before Your Big Day!
Lisa Connell visits the fabulous Farnham Estate; the place where mini-’moon dreams are made.
The Book Guy
What’s keeping Stephen Boylan up at night this month?
The Good Book
Darragh Martin, authour of Future Popes Of Ireland talks to Peter Dunne about inspirations, dark comedy and the place for religion in a country slowing losing its own.
Family Matters
While many gay male couples in Ireland have had children using surrogate pregnancies, the current legalities around surrogacy in Ireland are difficult at best. A new bill will aim to iron out the issues, but legal professionals and LGBT+ organisations are raising major issues with its current shape, while for one gay couple the delay with its introduction has proven untenable.
The Story of Same-Sex Marriage
Here is the current state of marriage equality worldwide.
We Met Through GCN
We speak to married couples who met through the classified ads section of GCN.
The Wedding Guest Survival Guide
There’s plenty of wedding etiquette available for happy couples approaching their big day, but what about the guests?
Leanne & Elaine
Our Wedding Party
Pat & Steve
Our City Wedding
Roisín & Elaine
Our Dream Wedding In Donegal
Joey & Liam
Our Prom-Themed Wedding
Wedding Directory Venues
An 18th century Palladian mansion set on over 300 acres
Wedding Directory: Suppliers
The best LGBT+ friendly wedding suppliers across Ireland.
Seeking Sanctuary
“I’m in a bad dream,” says former mental health worker, Clarice Mhonderwa from Zimbabwe, who has just had her application for asylum in Ireland turned down. Ater three years waiting in the Direct Provision system, unable to work and on a basic allowance of €21.60 a week, Clarice now faces the possibility of returning to a country where LGBT+ people are characterised as “worse than dogs”
Inside Out
Star of the groundbreaking BBC sitcom Boy Meets Girl, actress and comedian Rebecca Root makes history as the irst trans actor playing a trans character in professional Irish theatre in Rathmines Road, staged as part of the upcoming Dublin Theatre Festival.
Ray O’Neill
The rise of unlimited choice and seeming availability has left us unable to enjoy one thing without the fear that we’re missing out on something better, turning us into FOMOsexuals.
Shirley’s Burn Book
Angela Fusciardi, CBB's Rodrigo, Coleen Nolan, Cardi B and Nicki Minaj are all in Shirley's Burn Book this month.
Looking for back issues?
Browse the Archive >

Previous Article Next Article
346
CONTENTS
Page 68
PAGE VIEW