OPINION: Ray O’Neill

On June 19 the State ‘apologised’ for the hurt and harm the criminalisation of homosexuality caused to the LGBT+ community. Although in acknowledging that homophobic vitriol that inhabited, destroyed and took so many lives over the last century, strained to hear anyone actually say the word “sorry”.

There have been so many state ‘apologies’ to the thousands of victims of a repressive, vindictive sexual culture that punished, killed and incarcerated people because of their bodies, their desires, their gender, their sexualities – abuse victims, Magdalene sisters, mental health sufferers, women driven abroad, enforced LGBT+ emigrants, suicides. But what have these apologies truly changed? In every abusive relationship ‘sorrys’ are commonly repeated by the abuser; but never sorry enough to ensure the violence doesn’t happen again. The Taoiseach said, “we have learned as a society from their suffering”, but what is it he and we have really learned?

It is far too easy to apologise for something someone else did; the real challenge is admitting your own overt or tacit support of others’ hostility. The church and state have not fully appreciated the profound inherent damage their neglect, abuse, misogyny and homophobia have had, not just on the lives, but the mindsets of people. The criminalisation of male homosexuality, just like the proscriptions on women’s bodies, led to imprisonments beyond those judicially enforced. Like women today, men and boys who were raped then were unable to go the Gardaí because they would be exposed as somehow complicit in the crime. Like women today, gay and bisexual men had to leave this country to have some bodily autonomy. Through social surveillance, the valley of the squinting windows controlled people’s natural beautiful pleasures, calling them sins; and christening those that might enjoy or harbour such enjoyment, “sinners”.

It is not laws alone that need to be apologised for, but recognising the cultural hatreds of homophobia and misogyny which continue to sequester minds and criminalise bodies.

Genuine apologies have real parameters. Firstly, in apologising take ownership and be specific regarding your own actions and attitudes. How much more powerful would a state apology have been if individual politicians owned their own homophobia and misogyny through particulars from their own lives. I’m still waiting for Leo to apologise for his statements during the Civil Partnership debates against LGBT+ families and their suitability to raise children, or his desexualisation of same-sex relations in advocating an extension of civil partnership to siblings. That hurt.

Of course, we can contextualise Leo’s internalised homophobic ambition or the influence the Catholic church has on Irish society and politics, but never add excuses onto apologies. Apologies saying, “I’m sorry, but…” are pathetic self-justifications which belittle those injured, a hallmark to all abusive relationships. They say sorry for a fight, but reinforce the knowledge that nothing is really their fault, and thus probably yours.

Asking for forgiveness should be inherent to any apology. Just saying ‘I’m sorry’ requires no response; ‘Can you forgive me?’ humbly recognises what happened as wrong and admits the injured person. Be wary of anyone demanding forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift only the injured can decide on when, how, and if indeed they choose. This is the freedom we irreversibly reimburse to injured people when we tender an authentic humble apology.

The problem with state receptions to mark apologies is that it looks good, and makes good press. wonder of the 700 people present that Sunday, how many of them were hurting and how many of them hurt. It is always the silent and silenced people, the uninvited guests and ghosts that deserve most attention. What if the money spent on that political do, actually did something for the uninvited, such as commissioning a memorial to Declan Flynn, and all victims of homophobia, in Fairview Park?

How much more powerful would a state apology have been if individual politicians owned their own homophobia and misogyny.

At the end of apartheid, South Africa established its Truth and Reconciliation Commission to bear witness, not only in identifying and inviting the victims of gross human rights violations to speak their experiences, but that the perpetrators of violence could also give testimony. The Magdalene Project and various Abuse Enquiries open comparable platforms for voices to be recorded and listened to. But most of the historically abused LGBT+ voices are shamed, silenced, dead, killed, or have emigrated. How can there be any apology when we have no record of their sufferings and lives?

In my life as a gay man have hurt many people, through my arrogance, conceit, cowardliness, self-hatred. think of my adolescence and my calling other boys queer and fairies. think of the men, and women, ignored on the scene or on the streets because did not ‘want’ them. think of the men ‘want’ but only ever see and treat as sexual objects, ignoring and denying their emotional needs and humanity. think of the lesbians deride and disparage; the autonomy of women’s bodies that prohibited and obfuscated about; the trans folk ignorantly belittle. think of how my internalised homophobia still limits my heart and mind, how wary am of love and intimacy; how suspicious am of affection. have so much to apologise and atone for. am sorry.

Ray is a psychoanalytic psychotherapist specialising in individual and relationship counselling. He can be contacted on 086 828 0033