Opinion: Ray O’Neill

In the midst of lazy Christmas downtime, watching films and eating delicious food that cannot be good for you (carbs!), came 1998’s The Object of My Affection. I hadn’t seen it in a while and remembered it as pushing the Will and Grace dynamic of gay guy and gal pal into a more honest, tender, raw space. Now I’m in my mid-40s, my point of poignant identification no longer came from the gay/gal dynamic, but from the supporting role of ‘older gay man’ played by Nigel Hawthorne, who in his singleness sagely advises Jennifer Aniston’s character: “Don’t fix your life so that you’re left alone right when you come to the middle of it.”

We make New Year’s resolutions at the beginning of the year, but they always come from the middle of our lives’ experience. And so, I proffer this same sage advise to myself and others that in this year, you don’t fix things so that you’re left alone.

This ‘not being left alone’ isn’t ever merely about dating or relationship (it is more often the coupled ones who realise just how left alone they have chosen to be, though this is never really spoken about.) This is about making choices, indeed fixing things for your life that bring you genuine experiences and expressions of company, companionship and community. We can often be deceived into confusing having lots of people around with not being ‘lonely’ or ‘alone’. There are lots of places and spaces hiding us from loneliness, but badly.

“ All of us have skills, talents, time, space and money that can be shared, given, circulated. But how many of us actually share them?

Most people ‘couple’ as a way of staving offfears of loneliness, and ‘fix’ their lives this way, becoming either dependant on the idea of the ‘couple’ to hide in, or the performance of the ‘couple’ to hide from. One only has to look at the numbers of ‘married’ and ‘partnered’ folk online still seeking something they aren’t getting at home. But there are few apps and websites fostering community, fellowship. Instead, they drive people to consume, to be consumed by their consumption, be it alcohol, drugs, sex, products, things.

So, to all of us, myself included, I ask what, in 2018, are we going to do that reinforces those experiences and expressions of company, companionship, community. Who are we going to reach out to, and who are we going to let reach us?

Resolutions have become such a cliché. Stop listing things you are going to lose or gain and instead choose one opportunity to bring into your life that allows a real experience and expression of company, companionship, or community. Something that involves time and space, dates, taking a stand, a commitment, an engagement, vowing, duty, all those ‘coupley’ words that don’t only belong to couples, but to any individual who genuinely commits to anything and anyone in life. In doing this, we already move from resolution to revolution.

All of us have skills, talents, time, space and money that can be shared, given, circulated. But how many of us actually share them? I applaud anyone that wants to lose some weight, or get fitter, or quit smoking, or cease using porn, especially if they are doing such things for themselves. But when we do things for others, for community, for groups, then our resolve is different because we have others’ support, needs, responsibilities.

I took so much pride in GCN’s ‘New Year, New You’ piece last month because it was a personal call to get involved, and as within all social altruism, there is a personal gain. We are less alone when we fix things to share some of our lives, energy, time with others.

As the LGBT+ scene moves from pubs to Apps and our culture becomes more and more assimilated and flat, the need to gather, to join, to have pride and take part is lessened. With marriage equality and an ‘out’ Taoiseach we are told we have it all, but who is telling us this, and why?

So, in the reflections that can often be part of a more sober, and definitely thriftier start to the year, instead of listing resolutions, perhaps some of us can resolve to make a change, a real change, one that engages others, that builds community.

My nerdiest highlight over Christmas obviously had to be the new Star Wars film, during which, in the midst of all the CGI drama, one line of dialogue stood out: “We’re going to win this war not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love.” Maybe the battle for LGBT+ equality is over and we no longer have to fight, but the war continues and now, in the middle of it, more than ever we have to save something of and for our selves – we have to love.

The need for community, camaraderie remains and continues. Don’t leave such things alone. The revolution should keep turning. Long live the revolution!