Shirley’s Burn Book

You’re not Gwyneth, Lindsay Lohan

Poor Lindsay. She got a bit too much attention as a child but has been starved of it ever since. Her latest hilarious cry for help is her new website, Preemium, where she’s pitching herself as a… wait for it… lifestyle guru. I know, right? LiLo thinks other people might want a life like hers. Might be worth checking out if you want to learn how to drink like a fish, flash your bits getting out of cabs and flush your career down the toilet.

Rated 2 out of 5

Angela Merkel ist ein craptacular hypokrit

Yippee for the Germans on achieving marriage equality. But can we talk about the fact that Angela Merkel proposed the change in the law, but when it came to a vote, voted against it? That’s like Bláthnaid Ní Chofaigh and her husband inviting you over to their home for a hot ginger three-way, but when you get there they’ve changed their minds. Bastards.

Rated 4 out of 5

Andrew Garfield sucks dick (metaphorically)

RuPaul’s Drag Race has ruined, I mean changed, lots of people’s idea of what drag is, but now it’s actually changing what it means to be gay. Take Andrew Garfield – yer man who was Spiderman before the new fella. Well, he says he’s watched the show so much while researching how to play a gay man on stage, that he’s now actually gay man… “just without the physical act”. You know, kinda like being a billionaire without having the money. Someone needs to tell Andrew that being a Drag Race fan in 2017 means he’s waaaay behind the curve, and pretty much guarantees he’s straight. Can I get a Gay-Men up in here?

Rated 5 out of 5

Rob Kardashian is an Instatool

Ah here, Rob Kardashian. First of all, I’m ragin’ that I even know you exist. It’s bad enough hearing every detail about your sisters’ and half-sisters’ superficial lives, but now, thanks to your Instagram feed, I’ve learned that Blac Chyna is not a country. But did you have to post a picture of your ex’s vagina? Revenge porn might have made your sister Kim really famous, but honestly Rob, most women don’t enjoy the experience. And women not enjoying the experience must be something you can relate to.

Rated 3 out of 5

Californian Sex Robots, Me Arse

I’m bleedin’ livid right now because some Californian Tech upstart-up has announced it’s starting production of a range of sex robots. I’ve had a warehouse full of my own range of cum-in-a-box sex dolls for months now (pictured above) and not one pervert has coughed up the asking price.

Rated 3 out of 5